I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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