i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
