she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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