I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
