Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
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