i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
