don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
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Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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