life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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