I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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