you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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