Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
