I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
