This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
