o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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