I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
