Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
