There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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