did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
