She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
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The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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