My liver just broke up with me...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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