i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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