note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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