the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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