I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
