There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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