If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
