just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
