I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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