im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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