Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
