I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
