i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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