I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
