I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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