end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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