I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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