Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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