brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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