i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
