So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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