we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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