My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED