I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
