SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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