I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
