Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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