I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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