ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Come on in and take your pants off
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