Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
