There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
