I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
