Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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