SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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