I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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