I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize