kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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