My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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