I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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