Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
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You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
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I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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